Control

Art by: Katie Watersell, Deviant Art

I refuse to give up what makes me sick.

How the need for it makes my life null,

The way the craving for it can’t be satiated has taken a toll,

And has taken over, drowning me in my own heart and soul

It’s cold claws freezing me to the bone,

To it, my life has been sold

As I hold its gripping hand,

Its fingernails lacerating into my palm as if it was sand,

My fear is too much for me to take a stand

Because it has made me my own individual island,

And for so long, all I have known is that tight metal band

Oh, I’ve let go before,

At first, I seemed to soar,

But soon my body was once again sore.

Released from its grip, I was soon shaken to the core,

Because all I wanted was more and more

And so in between soaring and drowning I have gone,

I want to stop, but the world drones on,

I want to give up, why is the journey so long?

The world suddenly weighs a ton

And I keep falling, but eventually, I always have to run on

I desperately love and hate control,

It’s like I am constantly on parole

There is one of me, but why does there seem to be 2 souls?

Both desperately grappling for the main role,

But it seems the real me is running out of fuel

I only seem to get worse,

I have wandered too far from my source

Two voices screaming themselves hoarse,

Both of them filled with remorse

Every time I inch forward, I fall back onto the same course

Because I am ill,

And I am not willing to give up what holds me still, 

As the fruits it bore were so sweet, 

Yet my stomach never seemed to fill

Overshadowing my well-being lies my sick will,

And at the wounds it made, one of my voices drill

Why is it that with or without it, I cannot breathe?

Soaring without its hand, the air’s sword is unsheathed,

The water is too blurry for me to see beneath the River Lethe,

Only through the cracks of my two voices can reality seep

But even if it meant I could finally exhale and see,

The waves that trail from my voices’ wake,

Are too big for me to live for my own sake

And so, I am not willing to give up what makes me sick.